Flaming Is The New Closeted

Guest entry by SwingBot.

So, I have this side-job that I work on the weekends, in a field that is closely related to my primary hobby. Working this job pretty much IS my hobby, except now I get paid to do it. That’s pretty cool and all, but it does mean that I have co-workers who aren’t exactly in my inner circle of friends. Don’t get me wrong; they’re great guys! But they know nothing about this blog or my participation with any of the topics discussed herein. It’s not that it’s a secret, per se; it’s just that it’s not any of their business, and they would be… what’s the word? Oh, yeah, “horrified”… they’d be horrified to know that I’m not as straight-and-narrow as they are.

Which brings me to this amusing series of conversations last weekend!

The first one was with a mustachioed fellow who is always quick with the depreciating jokes. I love working with this guy, because he has a sort of understated way of saying some of the craziest shit.

To set the scene, there was a water bottle sitting next to stuff of mine. I’m pretty sure it was his bottle, but it’s reasonable to assume that a bottle sitting with my stuff belongs to me, right? So he asks..

Guy: “Is that your water bottle, or mine?”

Me: “Yours. Mine is in my pocket.”

Guy: “Are you sure? You know, I’m just going to drink it.”

Me: “Okay. It’s yours.”

Guy: “Even if it’s yours. You don’t have the hiv [pronounced like ‘shiv’] do you?”

Me: “The what?”

Guy: “The hiv.”

Me: “Well, I had gay sex last Tuesday, but we used protection, so it’s okay.” [TRUE STORY]

Guy: “Oh, it’s only gay if you’re giving it, not if you’re getting it.”

Me: “Oh, good to know I’m not really gay, then.” [I AM A TOTAL BOTTOM]

The next day, someone asked me how we do a certain thing, and I replied that it didn’t matter. From behind me, I hear…

Guy: “We already knew that!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “That you go either way!” [I AM IN FACT BISEXUAL]

Me: “Didn’t we establish that yesterday?”

Later that day, a different guy, we’ll call him “Fonz” (because that’s what you have to imagine when he goes “Heeeey!”) was taking pictures when some other random guy (whom I don’t know) grabbed my moobs from behind and fondled them in what he felt was a great heterosexual display of mocking Caitlyn Jennen.

Side note: This third guy REALLY hates Caitlyn nee Bruce. As if the athlete came over to his house specifically to kick his puppies into the crocodile pit. He REALLY let you know how much he disapproved of Jenner, because, by god, some things just can’t be tolerated! Not that anybody had remotely mentioned it, mind you; he’d just spout off his opinion completely unsolicited.

Anyway, crazy guy (not a co-worker) for some reason molests me. The Fonz laughs at this uproarious display of comedic genius, and opines:

Fonz: “Hey, he likes threesomes, BUT NOT WITH ANOTHER GUY! Heeey!” [I TOTALLY DO]

Me: “Eh, he’s cute enough, I’d fuck him.” [I TOTALLY WOULD (if not for him being an idiot)]

Toward the end of the day, I decided to leave early so as to try to beat the traffic. Guy and Fonz were both there, along with some other people, and they mockingly asked why I was in a rush to get home (implying by their manner that only pansies would leave early). So I said…

Me: “Well, I know my wife’s boyfriend is at the house, and if I can get home before he leaves maybe he’ll fuck me in the ass, too!” [ALL TRUE]

All: [uproarious laughter]

So, I came home, got some dinner, then had some ain’t-it-grand-to-have-gay-sex with KOH_HCl while WeekBiWeek watched.

Turns out the best way to be closeted is to be really, really out, and let their denial do its thing.