Swingbot: PSA

SwingBot generously composed this last Sunday about his experience that Saturday night.

Swingbot here.

Regular readers of this blog (the ones that pay attention anyway) have probably figured out I’m something of a size queen. It used to be something of a running joke ’round these parts that my eyes were bigger than my ass, but after the “Balls Deep” post (about how I took the 10.5 insertable inches of equine-inspired dildo), any question about it has pretty much been put to rest.

After WBW uploaded a picture of herself wearing the horse cock in question in a strap on harness, some other kinky people asked where one got such a thing. Well, it turns out that Elypse Art doesn’t make that particular model any more. Now they make this one.

It’s the same squirting horse dong as before, but now it also inflates, much like their canine toys. And that means that not only can you make it throb or create a tie, but that also means it grows in length by about 1/2, maybe 3/4 of an inch.

When I found this out, naturally I looked at my old, pathetic 10.5″ of insertable model, rolled my eyes, and declared it old and broken. The new model arrived a few days later, and it’s fairly awesome. My only complaint is the non-removable squirting tube. I don’t often care for the squirting function, and it’s somewhat clumsy with any length of tube hanging out, but that’s okay, I guess; if I’m not going to inflate it, I can just use the old model anyway, and if I am, I already have to deal with the inflation tube, too.

Unfortunately, WBW had plans for the evening of the arrival, so she left me at home for the evening to entertain myself. I ordered a pizza delivery (which is something of a treat, for when I’m REALLY lazy and no one is around to hear my pizza-and-Coke belch-fests), browsed the internets, and pondered a game or five. I wasn’t left alone very long before my mind drifted to that new horse cock.

I feel compelled to mention at this point, that there was an Incident last week. WBW had left me alone for some other engagement, and I had responded by getting out the horse cock (the older model, of course) and fucking myself silly with it. These toys aren’t exactly rigid, though, and trying to guide 10.5″ of silicone into the back door is NOT easy to do by yourself, because the thing bends and wiggles more easily than said back door opens to admit visitors. Long story short, last time I tried this, I threw my back out while tying myself into a pretzel trying to get it in.

This time, I was better prepared. I had a suction cup base for the toy now, but it proved less than effective. It didn’t stick to tile, it didn’t stick to the rim of the tub. I did come up with an idea to use that base, a metal ring, and some straps to create a large, weighted base, but mid-self-fuck is not the time to start building sex furniture, so I shelved that plan and went for the sex pillow.

Okay, second side story. We have this pillow cover from Sport Sheets that is the best. Basically, it’s all velcro (the soft side), and has a flap over the end. You take the pillow, roll it up, then secure it in that state with the flap, and you get a bolster, essentially. The second part of it is a velcro patch with a hole in it, which you stick a dildo through to anchor it to the pillow for riding. It works in this case as well, just FYI. I really wish I had thought of it yesterday, when it would have been useful.

So, I have my horse cock wedged (but not connected) to a pillow, which I can grab with my legs. I have a ton of lube, including having primed the toy’s squirt-tube. Nobody wants an air pocket to the colon, so that’s important. I’ve got an inflation bulb, and syringe full of lube connected to the squirt tube, and no pants on, so I’m ready.

It was while I was lowering myself onto the horse cock, slowly plunging lube out the squirting tip to lubricate the way, that I realized I had left my phone in the other room. I had intended to take a balls-deep picture and send it to WBW. I was already fully committed, though, and I figured it wasn’t worth it.

I ever-so-slowly continued lowering myself down, until I felt the top nudging against that second sphincter deep inside. This was the tricky part, because the broad tip sort of shoves at that inner ring, and getting past it can be a pai… oh, never mind, it just went right in. I credit the lube plunger that I was working. It felt sooooo good, so very deep. It’s times like this I can cum without even getting an erection. But I wasn’t finished yet.

I grabbed the inflation bulb and started giving it a couple pumps.

I’m no stranger to inflatable dildos. I have, I believe, every toy Elypse Art makes, and they all inflate. I love the sensation. I love the increase in girth that just grows from the inside, and I love the tying sensation.

I got all of this, plus some. Inflating the toy caused it to grow in girth. The side effect was the tip pushing deeper, and the best part was the tying effect, the toy pulling itself into me, the balls nestling up against my own as I depressed the syringe and imagined this monster swollen cock filling me with it’s lube-cum. As may have mentioned before, I don’t need an erection OR direct stimulation to cum when the situation is hot enough, and this was pretty hot.

That’s when the dogs started barking, and I remembered: I had ordered a pizza, didn’t I?

AND I FORGOT TO WAIT FOR IT.

Up, then. In a quick moment, I had to decide what exactly I was going to do here. One thing I did know is that you can’t just yank ten and a half plus inches of cock out of your ass and expect to be able to walk, especially if on the other side of that cock a goodly amount of lube has just been injected. It would be messy, and I’d probably kill myself slipping on the hardwood floor. So, I took the next logical step, and jumped up to put my pants on. This quick turn-and-roll maneuver dislodged the inflation bulb, so the toy immediately deflated. I yanked the syringe off and pulled my pants on double-commando style. With all this movement, the toy had backed out a bit (but we’re talking maybe 1.5-2 inches, so there was still a lot more inside). My jeans are somewhat loose-fitting, so while I’m sure I looked like I was walking around with a load, but I made it down the stairs quickly enough.

I made it down the stairs, though I had this huge fear that I would slip, land on the base of the toy inside me, and be impaled to death right in front of the pizza guy, who, by this point, had made it to the door. Thank dog for early driveway detection systems. By the way, if you think it’s easy to walk around with most of a horse cock in you, I will have to tell you that you’re wrong.

To the door then, wincing slightly, sure that I was trailing a leaking squirt tube or something, opening it and finding the surliest, least-chatty delivery guy I have ever had. THANK YOU. He handed me pizza and didn’t even say hello or tell me what it cost. I thrust my money at him, told him to keep the change (I’m a pretty good tipper, but I was a REALLY good tipper this time, because I didn’t want to stand there waiting for the change), deposited the pizza in the kitchen, and hobbled back to the bedroom.

Onto the bed, off with the pants, and out with the toy. Slowly. So very slowly. It took at least 30 seconds, as I assume there’s some sort of vacuum action that’s being fought here. Having gotten the thing out, I had to lie there for a while to get my legs back. If you haven’t done large anal toys, I can’t really explain the issue here, but if you have, I don’t need to.

After about ten minutes I was able to get up, clean up, put some shorts on, and go back downstairs. I poured myself some sweet tea, put the pizza in front of the television and sat down to eat. It was kind of cold, now, but when I opened that box, I knew I had to write a PSA about my experience, to warn people away from making the same mistake that I had that night, to whit:

Don’t give the pizza guy a $7 tip unless you’re sure they got your order right.