Sexually Adventurous Disparity

I was listening to a podcast in which a husband said that he took his wife to a strip club to get a lap dance while she watched, and then tried to switch it so that she got the lap dance. She shot him down when he tried to make the switch. The wife was also on the podcast, and argued that it had been really early on in their experience, apparently having to defend her decision to block his intentions. Another man on the podcast noted that she should have been drunk or at least buzzed, so as to allow the bisexual experience. Overall, the tone was that the man was entitled to have the woman do something out of her comfort zone, without even consulting her first, and her inhibitions ruined his fun.

I see this repeatedly. On sex forums, men ask how to get their women to be more adventurous; the men have “wild ideas” and the woman are “so boring.” In swinging, some husbands try to convince or trick their wives into participating. Our whole societal stereotype is that men are into wild and kinky sex while women have to be forced, convinced, tricked, seduced, or bargained with into trying anything.

However, overwhelmingly, the “sexually adventurous” activities in question involve the women having to do something different and potentially uncomfortable while the men stay within their comfort zones. What do the “wild” men want their “boring” women to try? Fellatio, anal sex (woman receiving), and threesomes with another woman are certainly common…. and none of these things really push boundaries for the “adventurous” men.

In fellatio and anal, men are still just sticking their cocks into a warm and receptive orifice. How is that challenging to them? The woman is the one who has to deal with possibly gagging or choking on a penis, or pain from anal sex done badly.

In threesomes with another woman, the presumably straight man gets to be with two women, with no competing penis to challenge his manhood or his possession of the women. His female partner, however, also presumably straight, has to challenge her sexuality, curb her jealousy, and deal with insecurities such as “Why does he want another woman? Am I not enough?”

Many other “sexually adventurous” activities require a lot of work, or trust, or something else that pushes her comfort level on the woman’s part, but not so much on the man’s.

* Lingerie is overwhelmingly for women to wear; we are the ones who have to shove our bodies into uncomfortable straps that emphasize our flaws for the men’s scrutinizing gazes.

* Sexy photography usually has the man behind the camera while the woman has to come up with good poses, good expressions, and not think about whether she looks stupid or whether the photos will somehow, someday, be made public.

* Pole dancing, lap dancing, and erotic dancing require the woman to show off tricky moves in limited space while the man just sits there and waits to be aroused.

I have limited sympathy with men who argue that their partners are not kinky or wild enough, and far less for those who pair their complaints with lines like “Pegging? Not my ass; that’s gay!” or “Threesome with another man? Not with my woman!” My advice for “wild” men trying to make their “boring” women more “adventurous”: Try pushing a few of your own boundaries before condemning your partner for not pushing hers.